Saturday, August 27, 2011

#23 learn to (really) swim

I should start by saying that I CAN swim. Kinda. I mean, I can swim from one (short) end of the pool to another. If I had to swim to save my life? Well that's another story. Considering the fact that I've surrounded myself with people that were all on a swim team at one point in their lives you would think by now the talent would rub off on me. It has not. 

Attempt 1:
 (I'll call this attempt one, sister might kick me considering she enrolled me in swimming lessons for 3 consecutive summers when I was a child):
Santa Monica

Me: "Since we're already at the beach, you should just try and teach me how to swim"
Kelly: "But the water is so cold!"
Me: "It's fine...we don't really have to get into the water"
Kelly: "Oh. Okay then. Here...when you're swimming, the most important thing is to make sure you do your arms like this"

(Demonstrates the proper formation of a breaststroke)

End result: Fail
Lesson learned: You must in fact get IN the water to attempt the breaststroke

Attempt 2:
My sister's pool

My 11 year old nephew: "Auntie! Jump in with us!"
My two 8 year old nieces (in unison): "Come on Auntie! Jump in!"
Me: "I can't go in the deep in! How are you guys doing that? I want somebody to teach me how to tread water"
All the kids: (laughter - all while treading water)
Me: "Ugh! Someone just hand me the floaties"

End result: Double fail
Lesson learned: I should have paid attention in swimming lessons when I was 6. Instead, I was too busy watching my older sister flirt with the lifeguard. (Hmm..which explains why she enrolled me in lessons in the first place)

Attempt 3:

JP: "Come on! Get out here. Get into the water so I can show you how to body surf"
Me: "Uh...I dunno..those waves look kinda big"
JP: "It's fine. Get out here! I'm having a blast and you're missing out"
Me: (standing in water knee deep and splashing myself) "No! I'm having fun! Look!"
JP: "I'm serious! Get out here! You said you want to learn to swim! So come on! Who else would be a better teacher than me?"
Me: "You don't sound very inviting. Kelly was much nicer when she taught me to swim!"
JP: "Kelly didn't even make you get in the water!"
Me: "Technicalities..." (while continuing to splash water on myself)

End result: Fail
Lesson learned: The beach can still be thoroughly enjoyed while on the sand (who needs to body surf anyway?)

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